“Make New Friends, But Keep The Old...One Is Silver And The Other Gold...”

I know that I have blogged about friendship before but that was of the virtual kind. I am not sure what it is...maybe it is my generation, maybe it is my pick up and move every three years lifestyle, maybe it is the dwindling attention spans, lack of feelings of empathy for other humans or down right self centeredness of people I meet but why is it so damn hard to find a genuine friend in this day and age?? I am not talking about the “have known one another since we were three, finish one another’s sentences and call just to talk about nothing type of friend” I have one of those and her friendship means the world to me and I value it above all else (even if I don’t tell her that-it’s true). Nor am I referring to the ones that you don’t need to talk to once a week or even once a month but when you see them even after a long absence things pick up right where they last left off. However, since my early years it is sad to say but I have only come a cross a small handful of truly wonderful friendships that I would say will stand the test of time and distance...it used to frustrate me to think that I was not surrounded by a huge group of friends at all times but now I am starting to see why I have chosen to limit my circle.

“An individual’s self-concept is the core of his personality”

If you know me, you know ME. That is it...plain and simple. I don't have a Bruce Wayne/Batman cool super secret personality that comes out in front of some and changes depending on my audience. I am an open (maybe not THAT open), honest and tell it like it is type of person-it has gotten me into trouble with people who can’t handle my lack of ability to sugar coat anything...though sugar may taste better who does it really ever benefit in the end?? I know who I am, I know what I want out of life & relationships and I really could care less what gets in my way-that scares people.

“Cause it’s 1, 2, 3 strikes your out...”

I would like to think that I give people and relationships an infinite number of chances to thrive and succeed but who am I kidding? I tend to think that if I were a superhero, my ability would be a ridiculously accurate judge of character. I always lived my life according to Mother Theresa’s words... “If you judge people you have no time to love them” and it is true I have made judgements on people BEFORE getting to know them better and I have been completely wrong about the person I thought they were. On the other hand If I have given a person some time, established a relationship with them and the alarm bells keep going off...I have learned to go with my gut and tap out before it is too late.

“Be careful the friends you choose for you will become like them.”

I remember when I was younger my mom always used to warn me that you are who you surround yourself with. I blew that off because...well because I was dumb. When you get caught up in relationships and you start to loose your way and not like who you are becoming there is a very simple solution...choose a different path. It is ok not to be the center of attention, the life of the party and the cool kid anymore...we are adults. Some people live their life in a never-ending popularity contest...honestly who are you trying to impress? Personally I don’t care what you have, what you are buying and what you paid for it. I think it is ok not to get fall down black out drunk and have to take a cab home when you have children waiting (and depending on you) to be a functioning parent. It is also ok to actually WANT to spend time with just your husband or just your family. You don’t always need to be livin’ it up to be relevant. “If you need a dose of being present, spend time with a child. They are the masters & the very best teachers.”

“Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty.”

Upon listening to a story a person was telling me not too long ago they came to a part where the bottom line was something like “well I asked her if I was being a bitch and she said ‘yes’ CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?” My next string of questions should have been “well were you being a bitch and if you truly feel that you weren’t then why ask in the first place, and if you felt that you were then why get mad for hearing the truth?” Why can’t people face honesty?? This is one thing I just can not wrap my head around. It is perhaps the most annoying human attribute and what is even MORE annoying is that I am guilty of it too!!! When someone has done something to hurt, offend or displease you why not be honest and tell them as soon as it happens? Why do we play things off like they are no big deal, when they are?? And by doing this we then harbor resentment, hurt feelings and then misinterpret EVERYTHING that people say and do until either one of two things happen...you blow up over something else and everything comes out (and probably in a less than eloquent way) OR you just fade out of the friendship so as to not have to discuss the original issue that hurt you in the first place. I have taken both roads...neither one is pretty but I need to follow my own advice and not be shy about telling people when they have done something to hurt, bother, offend or otherwise bother me, a family member or another friend of mine. Which leads me to my next point...

“Who gossips with you will gossip of you”

You know when you just know that things are being said behind your back regardless of how harmless they are? Example... that in no way is meant to represent any characters or events real or fictional...like if I was to bring something (or someone) up and a friend blurts something out that they wouldn’t have known about if it weren’t for another friend “discussing” the matter with them...conveniently when you weren’t there to take part in this discussion?? I don’t like people talking negatively about me (I think anyone can agree with that...I don’t really care personally what is said but it is just not nice- for a lack of a better term). What makes me even more angry is when people talk about friends of mine who have done so much for me and my family whom they may have offended by being inappropriate and then turned around and had a laugh or two at other people’s expense. It is a strange dynamic (gossip that is) when people can freely say what and how they feel to everyone else except the person it pertains to and then go on to be around the same people all the time and pretend like none of it happened until they are once again not around. Perhaps the most perplexing factor of this entire world of gossip is that if it comes out of your mouth it WILL undoubtedly reach the ear of the person that it is being said about-this is the one guarantee that I am 100% sure of no matter where you live. Is it we are afraid of hurting the person? Maybe...but wouldn't it feel a heck of a lot better hearing something directly from that person and not from two or three others and then getting back to you? I have somehow stepped back into a High School telephone game but this time I am not an insecure-teenager with hours to spend playing things over and over in my head and talking it out with people and messaging people and listening to each side of the story and “posting” things for attention...I am a wife and a mother of two who doesn’t find any of this cute or fun anymore. Again...the non confrontational part of me is a culprit of this insane dynamic have I gossiped? Yes. Have I enabled friends to gossip in front of me? Yes. Have I bought into it? Yes. l am ashamed at the point at which I allowed my judgment to become so clouded but I have vowed from this day forward I am done not sticking up for my own feelings and those of people I care about.

“Watch your thoughts, for they become words.

Watch your words, for they become actions.

Watch your actions, for they become habits.

Watch your habits, for they become character.

Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.”

Ciao 4 Now

~L