One of my resolutions this year is to be more open and let people get to know the real me a little better. The past few years...as my husband and I have been focused on growing our family, traveling the world, finding out what we truly want to be when WE grow up and falling more and more in love each day in the process...we have been hit with some unexpected hard times. Things I never thought WE would be faced with, tears I never thought WE would have to shed and situations that were FAR more serious than the day to day struggles of marriage, raising children and petty family drama.
I didn't think much of it until recently when I was driving and experienced a flash of road rage when someone almost caused me to have an accident...that I may need to simplify and rethink my attitude on life. I was so angry at the person's lack of attention for the road and it left me in a bad mood the rest of the day. As the day went on and I replayed the situation over in my mind for what seemed like the thousandth time...it hit me....I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO MATTERS HERE AND SOMEONE JUST MIGHT BE HAVING A WORSE DAY THAN “POOR ME”!!
For someone who “claims” to go with the flow and not sweat the small stuff...that was EXACTLY what I was doing...it is funny how a trivial moment in time can be your big “AHA moment” but that is exactly what it was. I started to think of the incident from the other person’s perspective...SURE maybe they were just a bad driver but what if it was more than that?? What if....... What if they just got terrible news? What if they had just lost someone they loved? What if they were rushing to the hospital to be with a loved one? What if.....
I started to take things a little lighter and cut others some slack....and realized we have been in that very driver’s seat a few times in the past few years so I finally started to think about all the things in my life that would help me to live life with just a little more ease. I figured if I just fixed myself and my attitude a little bit at a time I wouldn’t take things that people did and said so personally....SO I did it!!
I FINALLY went to talk to a doctor about all my “issues” and was diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder and mild Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Which could have been devastating in and of itself if I wasn’t already sure that I was coping with both of those things for the greater part of my life. I actually felt GREAT when I was finally diagnosed-like a weight was lifted off my shoulders....like I had an explanation why I found the most simple tasks at times as major obstacles and why I had such a problem talking about things I was going through with people who know me well. It is something that continues to be a struggle each and every day but now at least I am being treated and it makes both mine and my family’s life a little easier. The diagnosis wasn’t enough however, I still felt as if there were things I was still needing to figure out. So with some time and a lot of lengthy discussions.... my husband and I got to the root of the “problem.”
It wasn’t so much that I wasn’t thankful for the wonderful things I already have in my life, it was that I was too focused on the things that I didn’t have or had lost. I had to do another quick re-evaluation of my priorities and realized that in the end we have it pretty good and that someone out there (or LOTS of someones) have had it A LOT worse than me. That our challenges and “devastations” were bad....yes....but that if we kept our faith and TRULY put things into God’s hands, as we said we would, that His plan for us would be one that we were strong enough to endure. Not saying that we would like every outcome or be 100% satisfied with the cards we are dealt....but accept our path and His path for us and keep moving forward on it.
Last year in September we were hit with our first challenge to overcome. I wrote a blog about it (which follows this paragraph) but it was never published before now. Though I have known people and had others talk to me about facing the same struggles, I could never share our situation because of my anxiety of what people would think about us (or me). Little by little as I talk about it more, it not only helps me to heal but it helps others to know they are not alone in what they are facing. I find that when someone shares a personal struggle that you may have been through, it is much easier to empathize with the situation and creates a bond that you may have not known you had with that person. The fact that I pushed away some good friends because I wouldn't ask for help when we were going through this (and truly needed it) and they couldn't understand why I had “changed” (obviously without knowing that we were in a very bad place) in hindsight probably could have been avoided.
Unpublished Blog post from last year:
Sunday, September 18, 2011
What to Expect, When You’re Not Expecting....Anymore
Shaking my head yes to whatever the nurse was going over with me while holding my 3 year old’s hand and holding back tears was possibly the most difficult thing I have ever done. He patted my back in his innocent but all knowing kind of way and reassured me “it’s ok mommy, everything is going to be ok-don’t cry.” I cried for the first time not for myself or my husband but for my boys and for the sibling that they don’t even know that they have lost. I would like to take the doctor’s advice and “be thankful for your good ones” but that perspective hasn’t set in yet. After being able to bring two beautiful healthy children into this world - failing at a third seemed impossible...but clearly it was not. I have run through the gamut of emotions in a few short hours, the hurt, sorrow, anger, pain, disbelief, shock, questioning, regret, blaming, longing and guilt keeps coming over me in waves and I am waiting for the one that will crash into me and pull me under. I am not sure what would be worse, going through this after having held my newborn babies in my arms for the first time or not ever having had those special moments to treasure-if either could ever out pain the other. I know I am not the first or last person to go through this but right now I feel like I am the only one who exists, with nothing to look forward or back to. I need to write because Mike had to leave us today for a case and I feel like if I don’t get these thoughts out, my brain won’t have room for more positive ones to grow. Me, grieving and the boys blissfully unaware of what has happened-maybe it was God’s way of telling me that I have no option but to move on and take care of my children-but at the very least a day to come to terms with this would have been nice. My emotions are all over the place but I would like to look back on this in the future, whatever may happen, and think that I am blessed for having two perfect children whom I love more than anything else in this world and want nothing more that to see happiness on their faces and a husband who hurts as much as I hurt and knows just the right amount of support to give in any situation-my “good ones” will keep me looking forward.
That was then.....this is now....
More recently, (after going through a healthy pregnancy and having our third amazing little boy) we were once again faced with complete devastation and began to question why God would put us through this once again.
While attempting to complete our family with what would have been our last child...we were elated when we easily became pregnant and waited with baited breath for the first ultrasound and swishy, echoes of a heartbeat...one we would never end up hearing. Still trying to take in the fact that something had gone terribly wrong I found myself numbly signing papers and being whisked off to the hospital for emergency surgery. Still in shock, I cried over abandoning my oldest on a field trip that I was supposed to chaperone and not giving extra hugs to my little ones when I left the house that morning-not knowing that I would be on an operating table a few hours from then. We once again questioned our faith, we questioned science, we questioned our questions and somehow after recovering both mentally and physically from the ordeal had to give thanks for the three beautiful children that God had already blessed us with.
Sean, once again became that beacon of hope when he came home from school later that week declaring that he hadn't seen me smile in a while...so he made me a picture of a rainbow to cheer me up. Once again it was with the undying support and care of my husband and the cheer of my children that brought me back to life and made me press on.
My hope is that for everyone who had a not so great 2012, you will take some time and focus on how positive 2013 is going to be for you. Realize that yes we all go through terrible things, things we may never come to terms with or understand that with a new year comes new hope.
Some of my resolutions this year include organizing my life a little better, focusing my efforts on helping others that need help and paying MORE attention to the blessings I already have. I always look forward to beginning a new year and our slate being wiped clean. This blog was just that....cleaning my slate. 2013 will bring us good fortune, I just know it! 2013 will also bring me a new blog....I have decided that when I started Random Acts of Reality...I LOVED to blog {and still do} but things in my life began going slightly astray right after I began this blog. Sometimes I find myself avoiding posting because coming here brings me back to ugly places I would rather leave behind, so that is what I am going to do....I need a new corner of the internet and a different feel so out with the old {blog} and in with a new one!! I will still be posting through FB and invite you to follow the new one when it debuts-STAY TUNED!!
Please take some time and think about the things that are REALLY important in your life, let go of the ones that are not and most of all try cutting others some slack because after all, at some point or another we are all the “other person” in the driver’s seat.
Wishing everyone a happy and healthy 2013!!
Ciao ~L
