So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, good night...and good riddance 2012

So I am not much for making my private life public...BUT...I have learned (and gone through) a lot in the past couple of years that has changed my opinion on this a great deal. I find myself often writing blog posts that I never actually post...more of an electronic journal entry that gets locked and saved into my little blog folder on my computer and is there for me to revisit at my leisure or when I am having one of my "moments." Since moving to a new place (once again) I find myself meeting people who share a lot about who they are, where they are from and their journey in life and it makes me think....maybe I am not putting myself out there enough for people to "get" me. 

One of my resolutions this year is to be more open and let people get to know the real me a little better. The past few years...as my husband and I have been focused on growing our family, traveling the world, finding out what we truly want to be when WE grow up and falling more and more in love each day in the process...we have been hit with some unexpected hard times. Things I never thought WE would be faced with, tears I never thought WE would have to shed and situations that were FAR more serious than the day to day struggles of marriage, raising children and petty family drama. 

 I didn't think much of it until recently when I was driving and experienced a flash of road rage when someone almost caused me to have an accident...that I may need to simplify and rethink my attitude on life. I was so angry at the person's lack of attention for the road and it left me in a bad mood the rest of the day. As the day went on and I replayed the situation over in my mind for what seemed like the thousandth time...it hit me....I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO MATTERS HERE AND SOMEONE JUST MIGHT BE HAVING A WORSE DAY THAN “POOR ME”!! 

For someone who “claims” to go with the flow and not sweat the small stuff...that was EXACTLY what I was doing...it is funny how a trivial moment in time can be your big “AHA moment” but that is exactly what it was. I started to think of the incident from the other person’s perspective...SURE maybe they were just a bad driver but what if it was more than that?? What if....... What if they just got terrible news? What if they had just lost someone they loved? What if they were rushing to the hospital to be with a loved one? What if.....

I started to take things a little lighter and cut others some slack....and realized we have been in that very driver’s seat a few times in the past few years so I finally started to think about all the things in my life that would help me to live life with just a little more ease. I figured if I just fixed myself and my attitude a little bit at a time I wouldn’t take things that people did and said so personally....SO I did it!! 

I FINALLY went to talk to a doctor about all my “issues” and was diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder and mild Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Which could have been devastating in and of itself if I wasn’t already sure that I was coping with both of those things for the greater part of my life. I actually felt GREAT when I was finally diagnosed-like a weight was lifted off my shoulders....like I had an explanation why I found the most simple tasks at times as major obstacles and why I had such a problem talking about things I was going through with people who know me well. It is something that continues to be a struggle each and every day but now at least I am being treated and it makes both mine and my family’s life a little easier. The diagnosis wasn’t enough however, I still felt as if there were things I was still needing to figure out. So with some time and a lot of lengthy discussions.... my husband and I got to the root of the “problem.” 

It wasn’t so much that I wasn’t thankful for the wonderful things I already have in my life, it was that I was too focused on the things that I didn’t have or had lost. I had to do another quick re-evaluation of my priorities and realized that in the end we have it pretty good and that someone out there (or LOTS of someones) have had it A LOT worse than me. That our challenges and “devastations” were bad....yes....but that if we kept our faith and TRULY put things into God’s hands, as we said we would, that His plan for us would be one that we were strong enough to endure. Not saying that we would like every outcome or be 100% satisfied with the cards we are dealt....but accept our path and His path for us and keep moving forward on it. 

Last year in September we were hit with our first challenge to overcome. I wrote a blog about it (which follows this paragraph) but it was never published before now. Though I have known people and had others talk to me about facing the same struggles, I could never share our situation because of my anxiety of what people would think about us (or me). Little by little as I talk about it more, it not only helps me to heal but it helps others to know they are not alone in what they are facing. I find that when someone shares a personal struggle that you may have been through, it is much easier to empathize with the situation and creates a bond that you may have not known you had with that person. The fact that I pushed away some good friends because I wouldn't ask for help when we were going through this (and truly needed it) and they couldn't understand why I had “changed” (obviously without knowing that we were in a very bad place) in hindsight probably could have been avoided. 

Unpublished Blog post from last year:
Sunday, September 18, 2011 
What to Expect, When You’re Not Expecting....Anymore 
Shaking my head yes to whatever the nurse was going over with me while holding my 3 year old’s hand and holding back tears was possibly the most difficult thing I have ever done. He patted my back in his innocent but all knowing kind of way and reassured me “it’s ok mommy, everything is going to be ok-don’t cry.” I cried for the first time not for myself or my husband but for my boys and for the sibling that they don’t even know that they have lost. I would like to take the doctor’s advice and “be thankful for your good ones” but that perspective hasn’t set in yet. After being able to bring two beautiful healthy children into this world - failing at a third seemed impossible...but clearly it was not. I have run through the gamut of emotions in a few short hours, the hurt, sorrow, anger, pain, disbelief, shock, questioning, regret, blaming, longing and guilt keeps coming over me in waves and I am waiting for the one that will crash into me and pull me under. I am not sure what would be worse, going through this after having held my newborn babies in my arms for the first time or not ever having had those special moments to treasure-if either could ever out pain the other. I know I am not the first or last person to go through this but right now I feel like I am the only one who exists, with nothing to look forward or back to. I need to write because Mike had to leave us today for a case and I feel like if I don’t get these thoughts out, my brain won’t have room for more positive ones to grow. Me, grieving and the boys blissfully unaware of what has happened-maybe it was God’s way of telling me that I have no option but to move on and take care of my children-but at the very least a day to come to terms with this would have been nice. My emotions are all over the place but I would like to look back on this in the future, whatever may happen, and think that I am blessed for having two perfect children whom I love more than anything else in this world and want nothing more that to see happiness on their faces and a husband who hurts as much as I hurt and knows just the right amount of support to give in any situation-my “good ones” will keep me looking forward. 


That was then.....this is now....

More recently, (after going through a healthy pregnancy and having our third amazing little boy) we were once again faced with complete devastation and began to question why God would put us through this once again. 

While attempting to complete our family with what would have been our last child...we were elated when we easily became pregnant and waited with baited breath for the first ultrasound and swishy, echoes of a heartbeat...one we would never end up hearing. Still trying to take in the fact that something had gone terribly wrong I found myself numbly signing papers and being whisked off to the hospital for emergency surgery. Still in shock, I cried over abandoning my oldest on a field trip that I was supposed to chaperone and not giving extra hugs to my little ones when I left the house that morning-not knowing that I would be on an operating table a few hours from then. We once again questioned our faith, we questioned science, we questioned our questions and somehow after recovering both mentally and physically from the ordeal had to give thanks for the three beautiful children that God had already blessed us with. 

Sean, once again became that beacon of hope when he came home from school later that week declaring that he hadn't seen me smile in a while...so he made me a picture of a rainbow to cheer me up. Once again it was with the undying support and care of my husband and the cheer of my children that brought me back to life and made me press on.

My hope is that for everyone who had a not so great 2012, you will take some time and focus on how positive 2013 is going to be for you. Realize that yes we all go through terrible things, things we may never come to terms with or understand that with a new year comes new hope. 

Some of my resolutions this year include organizing my life a little better, focusing my efforts on helping others that need help and paying MORE attention to the blessings I already have. I always look forward to beginning a new year and our slate being wiped clean. This blog was just that....cleaning my slate. 2013 will bring us good fortune, I just know it! 2013 will also bring me a new blog....I have decided that when I started Random Acts of Reality...I LOVED to blog {and still do} but things in my life began going slightly astray right after I began this blog. Sometimes I find myself avoiding posting because coming here brings me back to ugly places I would rather leave behind, so that is what I am going to do....I need a new corner of the internet and a different feel so out with the old {blog} and in with a new one!! I will still be posting through FB and invite you to follow the new one when it debuts-STAY TUNED!!

Please take some time and think about the things that are REALLY important in your life, let go of the ones that are not and most of all try cutting others some slack because after all, at some point or another we are all the “other person” in the driver’s seat. 

Wishing everyone a happy and healthy 2013!!
Ciao ~L

Saying goodbye...

I really have to take a moment and share how overwhelmed and proud I am of Sean.  This morning, as he was beginning his normal "I dont want to get dressed" routine before school and I felt myself getting upset, I thought back to this past Wednesday and realized what an exceptional 4 year old he really is.  For those of you who know our quirky, animated first born, you know that he (and his little high pitched voice) NEVER stop.  Though he is only 4, something I often forget, he is truly wise beyond his years and has developed a sense of self and level of empathy that many adults may never reach.  Last week we were saddened to hear that Mike's grandfather had passed away.  Sean had met his great-grandfather (Nonno) many times and often asked about him and shared memories of being at his home. The last visit we made to New York, Nonno was in a rehab center due to his failing health and for a while we pondered whether or not to bring Sean to visit.  After reading countless articles, speaking to a few friends and ultimately weighing the pros and cons of bringing the boys to see Nonno, Mike and I decided that we would.  Some questioned our decision since the boys are young and Nonno's condition wasn't necessarily the best for them to see him in, but knowing our values and our children, we went ahead and decided that we were making the right decision.  When we told Sean that we were going to visit Nonno in the "hospital" he was overjoyed and innocently responded with "I want to bring him a cupcake."  This unfortunately opened a whole conversation as to what he may see when we got there.  We had to be honest with our boy about what to expect, not going into too much detail, but preparing him that Nonno could no longer speak to him or even give him a hug and that he may be just resting when we got there but we could sit and talk to him and share some time together.  When we arrived at the rehab center, Sean was nervous upon seeing Nonno in the bed so we didn't force him to come in.  He instead went for a walk for a little bit but eventually wanted to come in and see him.  It was a very special moment because Nonno got, not only to meet his newest great-grandson and spend time with the older two, but was blowing Sean kisses and so we knew that he knew that he was there with him.  That was the last time we got to see Nonno.  When he passed away, Mike had the brave task of breaking the news to Sean.  We again, did some research, questioned our own approach and beliefs and decided on what and how we would break the news to him.  We were honest and straightforward with our son avoiding sugar coating the situation and stuck to concrete and age appropriate language.  He understood (as well as a 4 year old can) and went on to have a discussion about God and Jesus and things that he was hearing at Chapel or during Bible story at school he expressed that he understood that death is inevitable but naturally was still sad.  We were back and forth about the next decision of whether or not it was appropriate to have Sean attend the funeral. Mike originally was on the fence, I was supportive of his wishes however honestly felt that Sean was the type of child that would be able to handle this at this time in his life.  Our decision was questioned by a few, and rightfully so, I agree that some parents don't always think things through when deciding what their children can and can't "handle" so I accepted the questions and responded that we had wholeheartedly thought the situation and any future ramifications through thoroughly and decided that bringing Sean with us to say goodbye to Nonno was going to be ok.  Again, we explained to Sean what he would see when we got the funeral home and prepared him that many people would be sad, and some would be crying and that it was perfectly natural to be sad and cry (or even not to cry) but we would all be there to say our final goodbyes to Nonno.  When we arrived at the Funeral home that morning he assessed the situation from the back of the room and decided that he did not want to go up to the casket (which was expected and totally fine by us) he instead hung back and interacted with other family members. At a point I felt a tug on my dress only to look down into his big blue eyes as he asked to go up and see Nonno.  The three of us, hand in hand, knelt down, said a prayer and Sean bravely said goodbye and that he would miss him.  It was at that moment I realized how exceptional he truly is and how sometimes the day to day stress of parenting was completely worth it in that tiny moment.  We went back to the same church with the same Priest where Sean was baptized and he sat through the church services without a sound, joined us in the long limo ride to the cemetery, and was still and respectful through the burial and after he solemnly placed his rose on the casket, it's as if he knew who needed the most love right at that moment because he let go of our hands and whispered that he was going to give Nanny (Mike's Grandmother) a hug.  As he walked over and stood with her, at that very moment I was reassured that bringing him was not only the right decision, but he may have actually provided a little extra comfort to his great-grandmother in what surely was the hardest day of her life. Nonno will be missed but will live on in the memories that we have of him.

Clean up your snacking!

I am a FIRM believer that 80-85% of all successful weight loss and body transformations happen in the KITCHEN.  Yes, a regular gym routine IS key, however if it doesn't go hand in hand with healthy eating then you are in essence wasting your time.  When I first started going to the gym regularly I would work out hard and think that it was an excuse to eat whatever I wanted when I got home-needless to say I wasn't totally surprise when I wasn't seeing results.  When I discovered Clean Eating magazine I started using a lot of their recipes and making minor substitutions in our pantry and that is when I saw what a difference a little more effort put into meals made for our whole family.  Now, cooking and preparing meals the CE way is second nature and a lot of those foreign ingredients that I didn't have in my pantry (let alone pronounce in some cases) have become a staple in our meals.  Now, I am in NO WAY an expert on weight loss in fact I have struggled (and continue to struggle) my entire life with my weight and literally have tried every pill, powder, drink and fad diet geared toward being that magic key in losing weight to no avail.  The problem with everything I was doing before I discovered CE was that I LOVE food and paired with the fact that I have NO self control I was setting myself up for failure every time.  My only true understanding of changing our way to eat came when I noticed that through CE I wasn't dreading eating the food I made-it wasn't a diet at all... it was a life change and I needed to make amends with certain foods I just had to cut out of my life all together and others that I needed to learn to make differently.  Now, I look at it as a challenge to make healthy meals that my whole family enjoys-which can be hard at times with a husband that hardly ate anything resembling a vegetable when we first met and having those meals appeal to not only us but our boys as well. It was easy when we lived overseas-Sean never knew what a McDonalds was until we visited the US and Brayden was born at a time that he has never even eaten a slice of white bread.  When we came here-things got a little more challenging but I think (for the most part) we are on track and though they are afforded a little "junkie" treat once in a while-they will grow up with a pretty clean diet themselves.  I have tried to instill the healthy lifestyle into them at a very young age so when we found the genius gym here "American Family Fitness" I was 100% positive that we needed to become members ASAP.  Our whole family can go to the gym together-the kids have an area with instructors that lead them in activities that are fitness centered and they see us working out regularly and we have discussions with them about the benefits of being healthy and active and the negatives of eating junk and not working out.  As it is you can just ask Sean what happens to people who eat junk and don't exercise and his response every time will be "they can get fat."  That being said my mission this month was to find a good solid list of healthy snack foods that the family will enjoy that is a little more involved than just fruits and raw vegetables-though we did find out that the boys LOVE raw broccoli this week and I am SUPER excited about that (Brayden will eat any fruit or veggie you put in front of him but Sean is harder to get on board-his father's son I assume). I am including a recipe for a tasty (and Clean snack that we recently enjoyed) Why not try it out this week in place of the same boring old snack from your pantry??

Ciao for now!!
~L

Crunchy Garam Masala Chickpeas

from Clean Eating, April/May 2012

Ingredients:

3 c. cooked chickpeas OR 

2 (15-oz.) cans unsalted chickpeas, rinsed and drained

2 TBSP olive oil

1/4 tsp. sea salt

1/2 tsp. garam masala

Directions:

1.  Preheat oven to 400 degrees F.  

2.  In a medium bowl, toss chickpeas with olive oil.  Spread chickpeas evenly over a baking sheet and bake until, stirring occasionally with a spatula, until very crisp, about 45 minutes.

3.  Remove from oven and sprinkle with salt and garam masala.  Serve warm or at room temperature.  Keeps up to one week in an airtight container.

Why hello old friend...

OK so I once again broke the #1 cardinal rule of blogging-NEVER ignore your blog :(  Things have been QUITE HECTIC around the White household since my last post (i.e. moving to a new country, buying a house, having a baby-just to name a few...) but I'M BACK BABY!!  Since I am finally settled (for now) and am LOVING life being a mommy of three amazing little boys I have decided that it is time to change gears once again and focus on getting back to (what I like to call) our Clean, Mean and Green lifestyle.  Tomorrow baby Nathan will be 6 weeks old and though I am panicking that life is moving a little too fast, the 6 week milestone means a great deal to me and I couldn't wait for it to get here.  Being a repeat C-section patient, life is put on hold for 6 LONG weeks after baby but it's time to press start because tomorrow it is on like Donkey Kong!! 

 For a little over a year now (barring a hiatus here and there) Mike and I have been following a Clean diet and regular exercise routine...which for those of you who are familiar with my journey...led me to lose 40lbs in the span of about 4 months beginning around last year at this time.  I REALLY enjoy the feeling I get from eating clean, exercising hard and getting great results.  So today as I printed out my gym schedule I am looking forward to getting back on track with this journey.  Being a mom of 3 children to say the least, leaves little down time or "me" time but with a great gym membership and included childcare, my me time will be spent releasing some endorphins because-and forgive my Elle Woods reference.. "Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don't shoot their husbands, they just don't." So, not to worry Mike ;)  In my early morning/late night down time and between dealing with my facetious 4 year old, tantruming 2 year old and irritable infant, I will be making (or attempting to make) short installments in this "Life is good" series of blogs...sharing my progress, good clean recipes that I have made and some fun stuff along the way.  Oh blog, how I have missed you!! Stay tuned...
Ciao 4 Now
~L

Extra! Extra! Read OWL about it!

So it all started with a book-as it usually does for me.  As I was tucking Sean in one night he was picking out his routine three bedtime stories and he brought me one book that I vaguely remember adding to our library.  Not that I remember adding many of the close to 600 books that make up our children’s book library. But this one in particular was one that I scored from out of the discarded box that I usually pilfered through at my old library.  To me, there is nothing more sad than an unwanted children’s book-who cares if it is thoroughly tattered loved....it is like going to an animal shelter...all those little books staring at you with those sad eyes (or in this case sad looking dust jackets)....I DIGRESS.  So as I slowly opened the circa 1972 version of Good-Night Owl (written by Pat Hutchins) the old familiar library smell filling my nostrils, I was overwhelmed by this unexplainable warm feeling looking at the very 70’s illustrations-it just seemed cozy and inviting to me (though the use of the browns and mustards aren’t my favorite color palette) I just knew that somehow this book was going to be relevant, I just didn’t know how...just yet.  Days later, I came across the book again-Sean had left it out on his bed after “reading” it again himself and as I put it away on the shelf I thought to myself....”OWLS”  I immediately ran to the computer and did a search for owl crib bedding and a bunch came up but one, more than the rest, caught my eye.  

Now, let me note that I am now pushing 5 1/2 months pregnant with my third boy. I am finishing up teaching a college class, packing boxes and selling unwanted items because I am moving out of the COUNTRY in 3 days with my 3 1/2 and 1 1/2 year old children, one [extremely high maintenance] dog and I am on my way to a part of Virginia that I have a) NEVER BEEN TO and b) need to purchase a house, find a doctor to perform my c-section in June and get settled....all in the next month or two (and on my own since my hubby doesn’t get there until late April) but of course the new baby’s nursery is topping my priority list.

Being stationed at this base for the past 2+ years has basically sucked the creative spirit out of me. I have put all the things I love to do (i.e. photography, writing and VERY AMATEUR interior design) in my spare time on the back burner because it just never seemed right to me here.  Now, with the impending move, all of the sudden I feel inspired again (or it may just be the pregnancy hormones taking over my brain). I wanted this blog to be the first in the series Extra! Extra! Read OWL about it!  since it will basically follow my progress in creating baby Nathan’s nursery from the concept phase through to fruition.  For now I can start off with my concept and will periodically post updates and pics from the actual project.  

Owls Sky by Dwell Studio

Sean, being our first child got the new furniture and bedding....Brayden basically got hand-me-downs...or as I (the A-type, first child) affectionately refer to hand me downs as.... “THE SHAFT”  Now, with the two older boys moving on to bigger and better things (basically a page ripped out of the PotteryBarn Kids catalogue check out their new room here: http://www.potterybarnkids.com/room/rom/romboy/romboygry/   complete with wall map mural and Camp Bunk bed in that super cool weathered blue color it comes in).  I figured this third boy was not going to resent us for life for being the third boy-he was getting a new (AND COOL) nursery if it killed me!  I always look at the bedding that I used for Sean and Brayden and laugh since it was something like $39.99 on clearance at Target...and I was being CHEAP thrifty so I went gung ho into the Jungle theme...though the room always looked too “normal” for me.  When I came across the bedding for Nathan’s nursery...I almost keeled over at the $360 price tag (just for the bedding) but really, who can put a price tag on inspiration?? Or at least that is how I justify the purchase. The bedding Owls Sky is made by Dwell Studio, it is a clean and modern twist on the kitschy owl patterns from the 60’s and 70’s.  His crib will remain the same but some touches that I am excited to bring into the room are custom changing table and a revamped rocker (painted your’s truly).  I scored the rocker from a yardsale site and while the rocker was selling for $100 I snatched it for a mere $50 and the dresser though hasn’t been purchased...yet, I see a craigslist search in my near future.  NOW THAT IS TRIFTY!!  I will post before and after pictures of the projects as they are completed but for now here are some pictures from my little concept board for Nathan’s nursery :) What do you think?? I would LOVE to hear feedback OR tips!! 

Dresser/Changer

Rocker I scored :)

Idea for painting rocker

Framed lyrics :) (not same fabric)

Wall decal

Wall Name Art

paper lantern mobile (for above rocker)

paper disc mobile (for over crib)

framed letter art

color palettte