Not Just Another (desperate) Housewife...

So it is 5:00 AM here in Spain and I have been up for the last 2 hours tossing and turning thoughts churning in my head and lines to be added to this blog swimming into my subconscious. Rather than try to force the thoughts out of my head and return to sleep, I had to get up and write. In all honesty I never thought I would (nor did I want to) blog about this topic because it is one of a great deal of frustration and has caused me a great number of hours of stress and angst but the blog that I had originally planned to write later today was cut in line by this open can of worms.

So as you all know we live overseas. When we heard the news that we would be moving to the sunny south of Spain the Mr. and I were nothing short of elated. Visions of sun, sand, and surf were dancing in my head and all I could hear as the upcoming soundtrack of our life was flamenco music interrupted by the occasional “Ole!” If you know us, we are big on travel and culture so when we got here I was excited to experience all of the traveling and culturing along with making some new friends in what seemed like a small, close knit American military community plopped here in Europe.

Growing up in a non-military lifestyle, living in the same town amongst the same people for the first 25 years of my life, the thought of a military life seemed nothing short of foreign to me. My dad served in the Army overseas before I was born. That is where he met my mother (which now after living here I understand that her title would have been “local national” as viewed by the military) and after years of reliving the glory days with my brother and I, through stories about the things they did and people they are still connected with through the experience of living overseas, you can just tell it was something that he holds dear to his heart. It is like the times when someone tells you about something hysterical that happened but you just can’t appreciate it unless you were there and with your own eyes saw the 8 people stuffed into a car the size of a mini-cooper chugging it’s way up a steep hill. I expected this to be our chance at creating those glory days as well.

Things were great when we moved here, we moved into a ginormous house steps from the beach, we began planning trips everywhere we could find a flight to and we lazily enjoyed Spanish food and drink while overlooking the lapping waves at sunset thinking “how did we get this lucky?” After a few weeks of “settling in” it was time to get back into action....I had things to do, people to meet and places that I wanted to go. I started pulling job announcements from the Human Resources Office, I enrolled Sean into the Child Development Center, I signed myself up for various volunteer programs and was at the same time trying to set up playgroups with other moms from this community. This is where you can cue the crickets......

Unfortunately, the honeymoon phase wore off and I started to notice tiny cracks in our perfect little Spanish picture. Be it that I did not grow up having an affiliation with a military base or maybe it is because I had a very sudden lifestyle change but I would be remiss if I did not express my extreme disappointment and frustration with the services that are provided not being properly provided to what I feel is an extremely in need community.

I get it....we are not military. If you know what my husband does for a living (and believe me even I don’t know most of what he does) you understand why we have a hard time making (and keeping) military friends. We just don’t fit in to the traditional military community and at his last duty assignment it didn’t really make a difference since we lived in Massachusetts. I was teaching and he was working and at the end of the day we both came home and we had (with the exception of a few great people) our own friends and own life that was completely separate from the base. The base, for us, was just the place that we both happened to work.

I remember the first time I had to drive by myself on to the base...I literally cried when the gate guard asked me to put on my seatbelt. I was the most ridiculously anxious wreck when I first had to be there for any reason...visions of swat teams pulling me over and helicopters with men in their gear repelling off of lines and landing on my car constantly came to mind. I was responsible for a military id card that people kept asking to see!! When seeing people in uniform, I was completely overwhelmed!! If you know me (or the base we were at) you are sure to be erupting into fits of laughter right now, nestled into the beautiful suburbs of Massachusetts in one of the most quaint little towns where one of the most picturesque autumns can be experienced and I am worried about being hunted down fugitive-style. I digress, but those were happy days!! In hindsight we were so lucky to be in such a beautiful place with so much to see and do and we took it all for granted!!

Back to Spain....fast forward about 18 months from when we got here and I have been tirelessly fighting the good fight for the past few months with little change and absolutely no satisfaction. Since we have been here, childcare has been cut, the kennels have been shut down,most of the “family-friendly” gym classes have been cancelled, I have been passed up for several jobs that I am completely overqualified for and to top it all off when these issues have been brought up in the proper arena, I was basically looked at like I gave away some sort of secret that should have been kept under wraps. One of those “you are asking questions WAY above your pay-grade” moments.

My assumption when coming to live overseas (whether as a military family, a department of defense civilian family or those who are hired as contractors) is that the base that you are affiliated with should be responsible for providing their community with most (if not all) of the conveniences that you would ordinarily have when living in the States. I was shocked to find out that not only it is not their duty to provide any of these services but in my most recent experience there doesn't seem to have to be an explanation of why. It is as if a child asked something of a parent who answered “no” and the child asks “but why?” and the parent answered “because I said so.” It was one of those tell tale non-answers. By the way “this is a Spanish base” and “because our website is outdated” and all the other brush off responses I have gotten are NOT good enough reasons for why the American programs are not supporting the needs of the American families living here. I was told in a meeting yesterday, that “needs come in waves” and that the lack of childcare, lack of fitness options for those of us who do not have childcare and the reluctance towards letting those of us who are stepping up to bat come together as a community to help one another out was “temporary.” To that I have to just laugh....temporary. If you have the pleasure of living your life as I do, in three year increments, you would know that EVERYTHING is temporary. Your house is temporary, your job is temporary and sad to say but in some cases even your friendships are temporary. I am saddened to say that in my opinion, the families stationed here that are working to ensure our country’s safety and security are being grossly neglected. Many of us are (as a result of deployments or TDY’s-work travel) are acting as single parents. Many of us are with our children 24 hours a day 7 days a week without fail. Many of us need an option of social interaction that is sometimes outside of the realm of Sesame Street and playdoh. Many of us have voiced our needs and have yet to find the ear that is willing to hear us. Many of us have sacrificed a great deal to support our spouses and the lifestyle that supporting our spouses has inevitably caused. Many of us have given up well paying careers, well established support systems and well deserving indulgences to come to find out that we have basically been sentenced to three years of solitary confinement in a foreign country.

I have been insulted on so many levels by so many people here that look at me and treat me as just another stay at home mom. From the job interview in which the interviewer suggested to maybe “look into taking a few courses” in Early Childhood Ed. (not knowing that in a shocking turn of events I am the professor of those very courses she is suggesting I take), to the informational packets that I prepare to bring to a meeting in which the point of my very attendance was not even a factor, to the lack of maturity and professionalism with interactions from people who hold “important” positions that just wouldn’t fly “on the outside” (as I like to call it). I have interacted with people in “important” positions here that I wonder-who’s a** did you have to kiss to get this job? Especially the ones who hold leadership positions that they are not qualified for. Lack of experience, lack of education and overall lack of competence play NO determining factor in people being placed in positions of “power.” You may notice my use of quotations when using words like important or power, I am not doing this to be facetious I am just so tired being judged, quieted and spoken down to by people who have no idea of what holding a real position out in the real world is like. I can’t fault them for thinking that this is the real world-they obviously know no other way.

On the outs...in my experience, your education, professionalism and empathy play a very large role in your success when working with people. I will use an analogy based on education practices since that is what I know best...If a district decides to cut funding for their early childhood program and their fitness program and there are major changes that are expected to effect the community, they better be ready to defend their position at the next board meeting to angered families and community members. If the district starts fielding questions from community members and reaches a point where they just don’t have the answers to the hard hitting questions, there is NO WAY they would be able to step away from the public forum to discuss the changes in private with only some community members, making meaningless empty promises of change when their plan of action has already been agreed upon behind closed doors so that they can just buy themselves some time and get these people “of their back”. It just doesn’t happen that way....the issues don't just go away because you pawned them off to a proverbial tail chase. Come May (as anyone that has taught would know) when the budget vote season is thrust upon the district....you can be sure that those angry community members will be be back, and they will be lining up at the polls.

I know that it is only because we are here that we run into these issues, I am jealous of friends who are also based overseas but have the complete opposite experience where they are. I would like, just once for the people who are making these decisions to actually weigh in with the community that they are supposed to be serving and assess the need-think back to a basic lesson on supply and demand!! As for all of us out there that have taken a hit to our moral because our welfare is not being maintained through various recreational and support programs...I can only hope that change comes soon....even if it is only temporary.

Ciao for Now

~L